2012 / 15 August

My Future Wife | Letter III


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To whom I’m certain, this will concern someday:
I had this very strange dream yesterday, and in Τ̣̣ђё dream, I was talking with my mom and she told me she read all my letters but none of them really mentioned Τ̣̣ђё kinda guy I was. She then asked me (in my dream) to write this piece.
so DEAR FUTURE WIFE, Instead of contributing to the growing divorce rate, I’d rather you see these potential deal breakers in advance, far before we tie the knot.

* I have THE WORST MEMORY EVER. That’s actually an understatement, but there are no words in the English language to explain just how forgetful I can be. It’s probably going to seem like I’m an awful listener,but I assure you that’s not the case. I’m fantastic at hearing all of your comments, concerns, requests, etc. —I’m just not capable of retaining more than two percent of what you’ve said for any longer than five minutes. The phrase, “Can you remind me to _______?” should never be directed toward me, ever. Simply put: I don’t remember ANYTHING.

*I hate bugs. All of them. Here’s fair warning, if we see a cockroach in the bathroom, I’m not even going to attempt to kill it
[1]. It’s important that we take preventative measures in advance to make certain that critters are kept to a minimum. We’ll spray outside to secure the perimeter, leave those poisoned roach baits in select spots and keep crumbs and spills to a minimum. On the plus side, I am willing to kill select insects, including but not limited to: ants, tiny spiders,moths, house flies and in some rare cases, crickets.

* I break more stuff than I’m capable of fixing. At times can be a smidgen clumsy, which often results in random objects being broken. Whether it’s a dish, the lever on the recliner chair, the car, or the sink; you spend enough time around me and you will most definitely deal with an abnormal amount of “out of order” signs. The plus side, however, is that I will attempt to fix anything and everything. Sure, it often goes awry because I have the repairing abilities of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, but what I lack in skill, I make up for in effort. Google and persistence are often enough to fix any damage without calling a pricey repairman. Another positive: The one thing that I’ll never break is your heart.

* I cry on some occasions. Three occasions, specifically:
1. When someone close to me passes away.
2. When I am peeling onions
3. When that Nigeria commercial on CNN comes on.

* Most of the time Occasionally I’m really cheap smart at shopping. I take great pride in being a frugal grocery shopper. I’m capable of taking 1000 bucks and turning it into a fully stocked kitchen. Τ̣̣ђё downside? I invest in a lot of off brand products. ‘Tin Tomatoes and Grounded pepper ’ aren’t quite as delicious as ‘fresh tomatoes and pepper’ but for N60 less, I’ll take ‘em! I understand if there are certain things that you prefer to purchase the name brand of.

* I have a firm no farting rule. It isn’t cute or amusing at all . I’m not sure who created this notion that passing gas on or around each other signifies some type of milestone in a relationship’s strength, but they are wrong. I won’t fart near you, you don’t fart near me and we’ll both breathe in peace.

* I can’t cook (somebody lied). Not even a little bit. I’m not one of those guys who expect dinner preparation to be handled strictly by the woman. Unfortunately, due to my zero cooking abilities :-D, I can only contribute so much. If you need someone to boil water, preheat the oven, add a dash of salt or set the table —I’m your guy. Anything else and you’re playing with fire… Literally; I’ve started dozens of kitchen infernos making things as simple as frying plantains.

* When my sports teams lose, so does everyone around me. I can’t help it, my passion as a fan gets Τ̣̣ђё best of me from time to time and I radiate negativity after tough losses. DOUBLE WARNING: I’m an ARSENAL fan so be prepared for some serious pessimism every year during each premier league season.

* I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day. Sorry, but it’s man made and Τ̣̣ђё concept of being nice to your partner one random day out of the year is preposterous.

As bad as all those things may sound, I’d like to list a few positives as well, just to balance things out.

*. I shower AT LEAST twice a day, everyday.

*. #I#never#use#hashtags #on#Twitter. That’s got to count for something .#Right?

*. I just love waiting for a girl, no matter how long it takes, while she does her shopping[4].

*. I’m one of the most accurate pissers ever; not a single drop on the seat since ’95. As a result of my precision, I never have to lift the seat up to urinate.

2012 is my absolute, favourite movie of all-time. I’ve seen it at least 50 times.

P.S :
*If you want to know more, add me on facebook *winks* and if you are my friend on facebook already….. Indicate by raising your hands…

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