2013 / 9 June

Memoirs From Lasuth | Week One


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Welcome to My “memoir from Lasuth”. Before you start your reading make sure you read the rules
And If you are going to read this article with a closed mind, please have a bottle of Maltina on me.

This is the first of a 24 (or hopefully more) serial episode and also my first time of writing a diary since I started growing pubic hair.. So hopefully as I was able to control the hairs, the diary will def get better. This week is gonna be inconsiderable very long but gradually I promise to make it short. So without further ado…….

ENJOY.

WEEK ONE……..

Sunday, 2nd June 2013.

9:35

I have gotten everything I’ll be needing for the next day ready.

Folder with complete documents *check*
Starched and well ironed shirt *check*
Black pants trouser *check*
Boxers and singlet *check*
Wrist watch and other accessories *double check*

I was soo gonna make a super *i am now a grown man* impression to my parent tomorrow………..
You see, I’ve never been more excited about any other day than I was for tomorrow. It was my first shot at doing things my way. From day one I came to this world, my parent have done everything for me(basically everything).

And when the time for I.T came, once again they had already secured a place for me. Well not this time. I had left school earlier and came to down to lagos, I practically trekked the whole lagos and I finally had the choice of picking one of two hospital to spend my next 6month at and we are here; Lagos State university Teaching Hospital……

Monday 3rd of June 2013

*Beep Beep Beep*
*Wakes up* 4:30
*Snooze alarm*
*Beep Beep !Beep*
*Wake up* OMG! 7:36

I burst into mumcie room and she was still asleep that was when it hit me that today was the usual “yearly sacrificial festival” ORO festival they observe in my part of Lagos. And what this means is women are not allowed to step out side. Choi!

I was going to have to go to work on a public transport on my first day!!!

I got to the hospital around 10:30 thereabouts. yeah Lagos and hold-ups. Met E and R and at that point I knew I was gonna have fun throughout this period.

We Got shown around the complex and then introduced with the staffs and then the students.

Let me tell you something about Med. Student….. Don’t ever enter their gathering and start to feel fly. You don’t want to know how miserable you’ll be wen you leave.

Tuesday 4th June; 2013

Woke up before my alarm this time and by 6:30am I had left home thinking I’ll get to work early this time. Still I was wrong…..

T’was like all the car owners in Lagos decided to show off their vehicles off today.
For the first time, today we had the chance of meeting with the H.O.D and the cadavar. I must say, there weren’t much diff btw the two (hope he doesn’t read my blog)

Wednesday 5th June; 2013

5.00am: I think it should be considered a sin for someone to wake up this early in the day, NO?

I had to wake up very early to pick my mum from the airport and we got to her office before the cleaners. One good thing about getting to the office before every other person is that you can sleep and fart in the office without an explanation to anybody.

Also, I Met an old secondary school mate today. Could barely recognise him initially. Maybe cos he wears glasses right now, I had for the first time someone else to talk with. I’ve been stuck with E and R since on monday……….. All they do all week is talk about girly stuff. At some point I thought I was turning gay…. Thank God for change.

(E and R are two different girls and my uni class-mates from school. We are gonna be together for the next 6months. So you’ll be hearing a lot about them in future posts)

Then we are at the cadaver room to work on the brain…. And there was this guy that caught the attention of everybody. Bros was trying to open the skull o, but he took it so personal that everybody thought he had a beef (no pun intended) with the guy when he was alive. If you’ve ever been to an abattoir before you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking about.

Thursday 6th June; 2013

I was suppose to leave ikorodu and move to Allen or Abule Egba temporarily through out the duration of my I.T. today. But I think the devil must have dreamt of me the day b4 cos, it rained all night and yours truly I had lazily left my cloths outside to dry (since on sunday). So I’m still stuck at ikorodu.

Anyways I got to work at about 10Am Freezing like I had been locked up in a cold room for 24hrs straight. I got there for the first time earlier than any other person!!!!

Nothing happened today except I was on the internet all day and E was watching a movie. R came late (thank God) so there was no girl talk today.

Friday 7th June; 2013

5.09am – Home

I hate to wake up this early but what I don’t understand is waking up with an erection. I’ve heard different stories and theories surrounding waking up with an erection but I strongly believe that ‘Agro’ is the main reason for such a make-sure-you-satisfy-me animal behaviour.

I know a lot some of you maybe wondering what ‘Agro’ means.

Different schools of thought have tried to define ‘Agro’ but the most apt definition of ‘Agro’ was by Professor Oladele (2009) who simply defined ‘Agro’ as a BASTARD.

‘Agro’ has been found to be responsible for a lot of “Oga-housemaid relationships”, Madam-Driver relationships”, “Unprotected sex”, “Indecent wanking” amongst others but can be controlled with “Our Lord’s Prayer”.

I prayed and I was able to overcome ‘Agro’ that morning.
Advice: If Agro attacks you, pray and it will go but if it’s a serious attack of Agro and a lil “conji” then calla friend.

1.00pm – At work

It was the middle of the day. And I was happy that I’ll finally move to the house at allen. The feeling was awesome. I had so many things planned. As I was reminiscing over the plans I had, my phone rang……

Me: Hello
Caller: “Embris”, is that you?
Me: Hendrix, Yes, erm Ada?
Ada: Yes!, Why haven’t you call me?
Me How na? You know you never gave me your number. I hope you are good.
Ada: leave me joor. I’m angry with you
Me: What did I do?
Ada: You made me angry and you forgot that today is our anniversary.
Me: Huh?
Ada: Yes,We started dating a week today. Now tell me “Happy Anniversary”
Me: Happy Anniversary
Ada: I wish you the same
Me: Erm, I’m at work, so I may have to call you later.
Ada: Okay but I want to ask you something later
Me: I hope there’s no problem?
Ada: None. Can I ask now?
Me: Yes, my dear
Ada: can you send me money to come to Lagos
Me: Jisos is lord
Ada: What?
Me: Nothing, Nne
Ada: Okay, is that a yes?
Me: It’s something we have to discuss after work
Ada: Make sure you call ooo. I even called Mama today
Me: Your mum? did she travel
Ada: No, I’m talking about your grand mum
Me: Oh okay. I have to go
Ada: Make sure you call me oooooo, in short I will call you sef

(At this point lemme tell you a lil about Ada (this is a topic for another day)

– Sometime in July 2011 – issele uku (my village)

I had gone to collect my “certificate of origin” as it was needed by my school to and I used the opportunity to stay a lil bit with my grand mum.

There was a knock at the gate and I went downstairs to see who it was and what I saw shook the man in me. She was dressed in a short dress that brought out all her curves and for a minute I forgot that I had planned to be celibate (Yes, i do have days like that, I am capable of such) for the weekend.

Me: Hello who’s it?
Ada: Hey, My name is Ada
Me: Ada?
Ada: yes
Me: *opens door*
Ada: Nice to meet you
Me: Same here. Please come in
Ada: Thank you

(we went upstairs and that’s all you need to know for now)

– Back to present

For a straight 5 minutes, I was confused and didn’t know what to do or say. Yes I like Ada but isn’t having her in my house in Lagos a lil bit dangerous? Believe me this has got nothing to do with not trusting myself. I trust myself but I can’t really say same about a certain part of me.
This is my first time of being in a relationship without knowing when I started it.

So every Friday is an anniversary? Chai, uwa wu pawpaw men!!!

Saturday 7th June; 2013

10:55am

Woke up extremely tired/lazy today and I think it was because of the dream I had.

In the dream, I was invited to a nude party and obviously, I attended *insert evil grin here*

I got to the venue of the party about 8.15pm and was led into the changing room by a naked girl whose breast were shouting “What can men do to me?” and I was thinking “Try me and see”.

I removed all my clothes and put them in the suit bag handed to me by “Miss Fine breast”.

We walked into the living room and I saw for the first time in my life a blinding collection of boobs, d***ks and pubic hair. I saw a few people I recognised and loads of people I’ve not met in my life. I got thinking,

If only Eve did not eat that Apple maybe this would have been a normal church service and “Miss Fine breast” would have been an usher. .

So “Miss Fine breast ” finally introduced herself as “Candy” she told me it was her bday party and i told her that it was a great honour for her to have considered inviting me.

As I walked pass everyone in the room, I over heard so many random conversations such as:

“Ijeoma, what style did you cut your pubic hair”

“Shit, the sight of that chap is beginning to make it rain in between my legs”

“Do you know that the number of erection in this room can get a woman pregnant just by looking”

“Naija boys carry”

“They shouldn’t have allowed that girl undress, her boobs are so disgusting”

After dancing with familiar faces and attractive bodied females, I searched for Candy and told her that I had to go . She was sad but asked me if I would love to attend the one that’s gonna happen in “real life”. Of cus, I said YES.

And this was when I woke up

4:30PM
I’ve been waiting for the rain to stop mumcy won’t allow me drive in the rain. So at exactly 4:30 it was “safe” for me to drive…I left ikorodu for opebi listening to “MICHEL TELO Ai se tu eu Pego….” Then somewhere along oregun I saw this girl along the side walk (from far)

My friend tobi made this theory ” Fine from Far. Far from Fine”

This girl was SOO FAR FROM FINE!!!

And the annoying thing was the “thing” made me beat the traffic light and therefore was apprehended by the so called LASTMA officials. I was delayed for approximately 1hr 30min. I got home very tired afterwards.

Sunday, June 6th 2010

I’m gonna stay home today, I have nothing to wear to church. And yesterday event made me lazy….. Dear God please forgive me.

I’m about to post this week memoir. So as I open the wordpress app on my blackberry, a ping came in.

(*sigh* Just when I planned on keeping the day holy.)

The following convo took place…..

But I dunno why the devil is soooo……… devilish!

MZ-Sexy: PING!!!
Me: Wassup…?
Mz-Sexy: I’m fine…great sef! I saw ur PM abt being in allen
Me: yes. I’m o…
MZ-Sexy: okay cool…. There’s this bday party happening tonight. Its gonna be wild! R rated things….. Are you interested?
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I’m yet to answer her……. XD

It's October 1st today... Yaaay!!And did I forget to mention?! THERE'S ELECTRICITY! (NEPA, PHCH.... which
The time was almost 3AM. The vigil was getting thicker. The guest prophet, a smallish
Of course, I got to lectures late. What self respecting big boy like me comes
I could remember the whole incident without any effortOn that fateful day I went to
I was at home that night, thinking of how great the day was and then
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