2013 / 2 November

The Ant Buster | A Good Toast Gone Bad


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This is a guest post.. Read and enjoy!

This is a painful story, and I don’t intend to make u laugh, Smile, or even brighten your day one bit.
This story is an emotional one.

Now before we start, Let’s hold hands, Come closer And cry!!!!

My friend!!! Cry na….

What’s ur problem? Ehen dats good, cry…

Keep crying… Now stop

Issokay o…. Stop o ( d story never start na…)

Story story!!!!!

Story story story!!!!

This is another girl story… (Woh’evah we all like girls jo)

It hurts when u really like someone and they never really notice u @ all..

They just continue with their lives. Dressed all fine.
With pretty bags where they keep ur heart that they have stolen away. Oblivious of the trauma ur going through Cos they are not yours.

Whenever I went to class, everything about her was magical.
She immediately in my eyes, transformed to a fairy…
With wings sef. As she wrote, it just seemed slow and enchanting.
As she turned the pages of her note, it just seemed to shine n simmer. You  know dat magical dust, dat one in “Peter pan” that tinkerbell sprays, I used to see it coming out of her note. 😀

Abi na when she turns her head to adjust and realign her hair,

Like those darling yaki or Ozone hair relaxer adverts,
Goose bumps just filled ma body
Small.

Fine petite girl. Really portable.
Like u can just put her in ur wallet and walk around and bring her out whenever u wanted to show off to your friends…
That’s what she w̲a̲s̲  mehin
A trophy,
A trophy that I had not even entered the competition to win.

“Idiot, mumu, fool”

Those and many more were names my friends in the hostel called me, all aimed at making sure I talked to the girl

One day, one said “I was a disgrace to “manhood”

Kai!!!!

Me?

Disgrace to manhood?

Morale built up within me.
Where the girl dey? Bring her here! Lemme love her

vehemently… I was gingered. And as she passed, I took two steps towards her, And once again, she grew wings, transformed into a fairy,while a slow love song was playing in my head

… Creating that romantic ambiance seen in indian movies…

In short sef my imagination even made her dance, dressed in all dat indian garb.

Instantly,I knew what that meant
I had lost my nerve and started dreaming again. I turned back,walked back to my friends, and said to them

“Yes I agree I’m a disgrace to manhood, bite me”

.Lemme not even talk about ma dream, that will just worsen this story

…But one important one comes to mind…

There she was about to be killed, raped or something.
And all of a sudden I appear,
And d attackers become afraid and run away…
Even me in the dream dint understand y
Untill I had carried her into my arms
And she called me her hero in such sweet voice.
And we started flying to her hostel..
And as we passed a glass house
I looked at myself. I was wearing a red and blue attire with a big ‘s’ inscribed at the front.

Oh!!!! now I get it….

I was superman in the Dream…smh for me……

Then we had an event in school…
SUG nite…

Held at 750capacity
A hall surrounded by bushes.

It Usually was something everyone came out for. Guys hussled hard to get a date for the event. I dint even have d guts to ask her as a date.

Dis time it wasn’t my fault She was always walking wit 3 oda gals mein. And dat even makes it triple hard to talk
So I went alone..

A miracle happened that day

Pastors voice: The Lord is gooood
All the time!!!
I repeat the Lord is good ooooo….
All the time ooooo pastor….

She also came alone…
As impossible as it would av seemed
As much as I was expecting to die seeing another boy that night with her,

The Lord did it for me.
She had no date….(Call me bad belle woh’eva mein)
As usual I had my also single friends continue their endless talk about how I was a weakling With talks of
“if na me eh”
“Mtchewwww we for don marry now”Boys eh!

…both the lily livered ones. They can so put fire….

At a point the show got boring, She stepped out and me being tired of all d insults from ma guys I followed her…

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (while mission impossible soundtrack plays)

There she was just walking Very courageous girl o! To one dark place near bush sha… And my head started that fairy kini again, I dispelled it forcefully. No more dreaming.

Today must be today.
I must tell her whatsapp…
I swear
U won’t believe it
but as she neared the bush
She turned around
And changed to a fish….

Lmao….

Dis no be yoruba film na. Fish ko…shark ni.
But what I heard was unbelievable She turned and said…

“Stephen!, (the way she called ma name sef..choi So sweet,so sensual,so **sniffs**, so Stephen)

“U know I see u staring at me in class and when I walk around Is there something you want to tell me Cos I really want to hear it”

Now or never her eyes seemed to add.
Ehen?!!!!

See ticket.

Omo my heart erupted with joy, Hearbeat speed, increasing astronomically. All that was left, Was for the words to form and ma mouth say it out.
And as God helped me, I started flowing. Flowing, Talking. Telling her the things that I had held imprisoned within me for a while. I let them escape skillfully like scofield, outta d fox river of my heart.

And mein I was good, dint even believe it was me talking.
I see so many of u are happy. Especially those that like a happy ending.

Well If u believed the above
U’ve been successfully washed, rinsed and dried…

Yay!!!!

OK! It dint happen like that, but it was not so bad either.

I was lost for a while, Just standing there moping

While she encouraged me with her eyes to speak up.
And slowly,I started speaking. Saying them up

What was I saying u may wonder.

Trade secrets mein…I don’t give em out for free **winks**
But as I was just flowing and getting to d koko of the matter,

GHEN GHEN (sndtrack changes to something bad)

The devil struck

Struck really hard for dat matter.

Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately for me,

I started. Feeling things in my trouser.

At first I thought it was d fact dat d jeans was really skinny.
And I tried a little stylish adjusting to see if It wld arrest the situation.

But no. It didn’t

As I was talking, I was wondering what it was untill dy helped me to stop wondering

I felt the first sharp bite and it dawned on me

Damn RED ANTS…
ayyyyyyyy!!!! I screamed and held maself almost immediately

“What is it” she screamed….

“Ayyyyyy” really like you I said

Although not convinced… She managed a smile and seem to urge me on

But U know the bad thing about this ants, They’ll never talk
U won’t even know its them. They just keep climbing till dey get to their desired spot…

Then they introduce themselves mannerlessly to u…with one deep and painful bite. I knew it wasn’t over And they knew too Cos instantly like say dem whistle… They just started having ma juicy butt as their night food…
Biting and biting while having a field day(No pun intended)…

While I was there squeezing my face in endurance. Whilst reciting lines I had practised for centuries now. Trying not to blow this opportunity away, My deep bass voice which I started with had given way to a slightly pained and crying,low sounding femnine voice.

And automatically I had added a dance step to my explanation, slapping ma butt occasionally hoping to kill ma attackers.

Tears almost building up in my eyes

…While my beauty was wondering what was up with me…
But no nah after waiting dis long, give up nw. And from wat I gathered from friends She ne’er gave any boy more dan one trial..

Kill me you ants I said. Am not gon stop now. And they heard me and continued munching at ma butts.

It was damn excrucating.

One adventurous one had even moved forwards.
Near my ……( U get now shey?)
And decided to taste how dat side dey.
As it sunk its teeth there, it was with all the power within me that I held back from shouting, and scratching that place.

For what na? Dats like mega falling hands.

This was a really trying period for me. Tears started flowing
And she asked what it was and I told her not to mind me that I had held this for too long and now I finally had d chance to talk to her, I could not stop this tears of joy..

“Am emotional sometimes” I added

I think She dint really buy it
But some girls seem to enjoy when a boy cries…
And she was one of such…
Ants biting,
Me in tears,
Her listening,
half of ma butt already eaten up
I held on….
Till God saved me
Someone called her away… A friend or in my head God’s angel and I ran mein… towards one bush
Took it all off
Shirt
Trouser (dis one took time since d trouser was skinny)
Boxers
And I caught one of them
Killed,squished and killed it again..

There I was naked,

Killing the ants…

And she called me…

Omo I hid.

Stayed there silently

Moved backwards and hid in a higher grass as she came closer
Crouched lower

With all those leaves touching ma body

Then she left
Obviously thinking I had gone.
Better that, than me coming out all adam and saying

“here I am baby, let’s continue our talk”
I stood up, gathered my clothes from where I threw them and as I wore them..Something bit my leg
I realised
That the spot I had crouched
Was actually filled with ants
They revenged their dead colleagues
Naked me vs 3 billion ants
I fought hard
Slapped my body here and there…
Crying to God to save me
Telling him I would never toast a girl again..
Running helter skelter,

I heard laughter
I turned around scared it would be her
But it was ma yeye friends
How they found me I don’t know
But they helped
While laughing at me though
With all the sores on my body
Amidst my tears

Whilst being called “The ant buster”
I promised maself….

1. Never ever to toast a girl in the night again
2.Never to let peer pressure push me to do sumfin
3. Most importantly, that delay is dangerous..

Shey if I had met her during the day Or all those other times she was not near bush and I could see the ground,

I wouldn’t still have this marks on ma butt that sometimes when I look at them take the shape of “LOL”
Like the freakin ants where laughing at me

Follow uncle Stephen here

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