We both know I’m much better in putting my words and thoughts down on paper;
so I’ve chosen to write you this letter.
We need to talk.
I know these words scare you; today, they don’t have to.
Not really, anyway.
Today, I am the one who stands scared.
I see the way you look at me these days, it’s not like before.. there is doubt in your eyes.
I see the way you look at me when I check my phone for text messages, and laughingly reply.
I see the way you look at me when I tell you what a wonderful day I had with a friend, leaving out details (I feel are unnecessary and hence do not need to be narrated).
You’ve always loved me for who I was, calling me “buddy”; and indeed, we’ve always been great friends.
That is what you loved me for, and what I cherished our relationship for the most: its purity, sincerity, and simplicity.
But things have changed. We don’t laugh as much, play as much, or joke as much as we used to.
And I cannot help but wonder, Why?
The fact that I look at others- both men and women- and appreciate their beauty, means nothing.
They’ve got nothing on you. If I wanted to leave, I would have.. But I love you. I am committed to you. I am not going anywhere.
The fact that I laugh with others (or at times even flirt) does not mean they make me happier or fulfil me more than you do.
I have always been one to love hot debates and engaging discussions. I’ve always loved meeting new people, having an innocent laugh, and sharing personal stories. This is exactly what brought us together.
The fact that I still do this (now, with other people) does not mean there’s competition for you; there is not a single person out there who could take your place.
When I come back and tell you about my day, I leave out minute details- not because I am trying to hide anything- but because I find the time spent with you of so much more importance than anything that could have (or have not) happened during the day.
I do not wish to fill our special moments with unnecessary banter, worthless chatter, or useless gossip. When I am with you, the world revolves around us two. That’s how I like it.
When I check my phone for text messages and laughingly reply, it is most probably Tobi making fun of me; teasing me about how unfair it is for me to talk about you when we are together, and forgetting him as soon as I’m away.
When we go to parties together and spend time apart, catching up with friends or getting to meet new people, I entertain myself just as much as I wish for you to entertain yourself. I know you, I trust you. I am not scared to release you.. for I do not fear loosing you. Am I wrong?
Sometimes I fear you might be judging me based on my past. Based on the things you know about me, the things I told you in sincerity. Sometimes, when I see doubt in your eyes, I cannot help but wonder what you might be thinking.
Tell me, what goes through your mind when you look at me taking off my clothes? Do you draw near, and breathe in an unusual scent?
Tell me, have you ever fallen into the trap of not merely assuming, but indeed concluding I was too close, intimate with another?
Tell me, what goes through your mind when you watch me undress, take off my clothes, remove my underwear, walk into the shower? Have you ever, and please be honest, thought I was desperately trying to wash away my shame, guilt, insincerity?
Tell me, what goes through your mind when you hug me from behind, squeeze my buttocks, and turn me around to play with my breasts? Do you carefully examine me to find out whether someone else has enjoyed that which was to be exclusively yours?
Tell me, what really goes through your mind when I tell you “I love you” and you silently reply- as though you were trying to convince me, that you love me too?
Tell me, I need to know; because these thoughts scare me. They have succeeded in increasing my heartbeat, they have stolen my sleep away.. and above all: they are beginning to threaten our peace, and my security. Right now I suffer from a lack of both. Peace. And security.
I beg you, suffer it not to be so.
What I want to know..
Will you be my friend again? Not my lover, not my Girl, but my friend?
Will you trust me again? Forgetting my past, leaving behind memories of that which was before.. with another girl; and simply trust me again?
Will you not look at me and judge me based on a fidelity that was long before our time?
I want you to allow me move. Move freely within acceptable and agreed parameters without making me feel guilty, yet hold me tightly.
I need that emotional stability.
I long to feel close to you again; not physically but mentally, spiritually.
I don’t want to have to imagine or wonder what you might be thinking.
I need to know for sure.
I hate the distance that has found its way into our relationship; pulling and tearing us apart.
I WANT US TO BE ONE AGAIN.
Happy New Year!!