2014 / 18 February

The Post Valentine Story


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*Opening Montage*

The following programme is Rated 18+, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”

sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”

*Rolling Film Trailer*

*Insert sound effects,  preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*

*in Don Jazzy voice*“He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (no not that faith you twat! ) brought them together!

He wanted something, she wanted something..

ThatHman pictures presents

A tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…

*major sound effect here*

“The POST VALENTINE STORY”

Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie into thingy.

Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our people learn?

Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie?

Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly!

And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha!

So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!

My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams. Some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again.

An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out!

Yep! Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if you’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..

Ok, 1,2,3…

And if it wasn’t..

Ah!, 1,5,17, 75..

Ok drop it!

Wow!!

What happened?

Any ways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses!

I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically spent most of the day by myself..

You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of the intentions for the day either boys accounts goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..

So what makes you think you had a great Vals day?

Because Tunde sent you a Teddy bear and chocolates abi?

You’re an AGBAYA!!!

Yezz and im not beefing o.

Haba! You’re 25 and you’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u?

Ehn?

You say what?

“It’s the thought that matters?”

Ok, so if he had sent a text that said…

‘Hey baby, I’m just thinking about you this vals because it’s the thought that counts”

… tell me will you not curse his generation in your local dialect!

Leave that tin jare…

And you, he took you out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …

I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, you now deemed it fit to open your legs because of ice cream and fried rice.

In case you didn’t know, Jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew..

if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of the season.

Meanwhile, I know that some of you think you’re smart abi?

You bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..

Its all right!

And you guys that came home by 5am claiming you were out all night with the chic while you were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!

I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them.

Whether he took you out, bought you Fan Yogo and took you back home, you know that you’ve hooked him and when he finally asks you to marry him, you can start your revenge!

But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze.

He says he loves you now abi, wait till you tell him you missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!!

It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..

• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day

• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB

• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms

• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese

The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share…

Asides the virtual after effects, the physical effects will be alarming!

I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted the small money that they have..

Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..

Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!!

Ok, moving on…

So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..

Girls, note however that now that vals is over, you will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..

And guys if you attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question…

“where were u since?”

…Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that you (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago!

So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed the class,

Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, you have only carried over the course, you have the opportunity to pass it next year”

What?

Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story?

Well, the search for the ONE finally  comes to the finish line… 😀

Disclaimer: Explicit content contained therein. Parental Guidance Strongly Advice _PILOT_ I was naive as a
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  • When the One – that one turns out not to be the one for real but just the one before the one… All good yea?

    Reply
    • WTH!!! hehehehe your comment gave me brain freeze.

      “When the One – that one turns out not to be the one for real but just the one before the one…”

      LOL.. All good tho

      Reply

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