I often wonder what my life would have been like, if I could peek at another other than this one I have. I wonder whether it’s really possible to create your own destiny as commonly said, or is it all just a load of rubbish?
They say that if one wished hard enough for something, it may just come true right? How come it is that I always wake up in this crazy wonderful circus that is; MY LIFE?
It’s not everyday you come across someone whom you trust the life of and when you think they’d never do something to hurt you (well of course until you screw up), they actually do.
I wish to say that I’m typing this under the influence, but if some couples of caffeine present in 3 bottles of coke is enough to get one high, then please be my guest.
What went wrong?
My intentions were pure and I left sex out of it. I fell for her as a person…for her attitude, mind, mannerisms, humour, body and soul. It was like I could fly. I never have felt this way and to be honest I feel like I never will again. I would give my life for hers.
I would stay with her no matter what the circumstances. I treated her and gave her my 100% daily. Then out of nowhere, she told me that she wasn’t in love with me…that she didn’t feel intimate with me like she thinks she should.
I’m heart broken. Nightmares upon nightmares. Migraine as a result of over thinking… And I’ve been trying to avoid saying it here because I think it may be seen as a betrayal if I only write about just the good things in my life.
For over a year we’ve been great buddies.
But this one was different. There always been others. This one was different. She was different.
The minute we met, i put her in the ‘friend zone’.
I wasn’t looking for a girl to date.. I had just left a somewhat ‘terrible’ relationship. All I needed was a FRIEND.
We were too alike anyway, it’d be awkward. Same mannerisms, thought and behavioural patterns, we even had mood swings at the same times. It would be like we were dating ourselves. Awkward much. *shudder*
We talked. And hung. And laughed. And talked more. And understood.
Even in silence. We didn’t always need the words. But there was never an emotional connection.. *sic*
Even when we would fight every once in a while, I never stopped showing her love not once…not one name calling or personal attack. We had a great relationship in the ” Zone”.
I remember how hard I had battled in my head if she was the right one. It began to feel so real.
When I won’t talk to her, she’ll complain and even scold me about it. Believe me, she has a way of making me feel better.
Did I see it coming. The dreaded phrases â€œI just don’t love you anymoreâ€?
I was shocked. She had wanted me to ask her out.. She had shown me signs and jokingly asked me point blank that she wanted it. She was so sure. I saw it coming. Reasons why I couldn’t bring myself to make my mind up to ask her out.
What went wrong?
My first thought was; maybe because I gave her so much love so fast, smothering her for attention…she was pushed into a corner…maybe I was selfish and shouldn’t have courted her with all my heart..
*In Lil wayne’s voice, Why give a girl your heart when she rather have a purse?*
I sigh heavily as i trudge wearily to my bathroom because i know that the sleep will not come back.. And I feel my heart for the first time in pain… I’m here in the fatal position.
I can’t even cry out and scream like i want to. Like i need to. So i settle for silent tears. Silent screams.
I’ve taken up full residence on Insecure Lane once again. This time i got the Penthouse Suite of Heartbreak Towers; with a clear view to Lonely Avenue.
I have something for people that wear glasses.
I have always imagined that my wife would have cute glasses that she would have to take off when kissing gets intense. You know like take it off and place them by the side table before we make love.
Then sometimes, she would need to put them on to read our kids to sleep before joining me in the master bedroom.
*Sip coke* (not the white one dumb ass)