2017 / 30 July

Diabetes Sunday Service


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You get to church on  Sunday morning, ready and set for the word of God that will change your world. You have told God what you want from the service and you believe that whatever has been laid in the pastor’s heart will touch you.

It’s time for the sermon, and the pastor tells the congregation that there is a guest minister. You get excited, something different is definitely going to happen today. The minister mounts the pulpit, leads a short worship session, thanks the pastor for inviting him, says a little story of how they go way back and ends in a joke.

He begins to tell you how God wants to sweeten your life, how God wants to bless you. He tells you where you have been a tenant, God wants to make you a landlord, where you have been an employee, God wants to make you an employer of labour.

He says all you have to do is perspire and aspire so that your desire will not expire, that if you can catch the revelation, there will be a manifestation and a demonstration of the answers to your benediction.

He says you should just peep the future in the pages of scripture, so that you can picture in that future.

The minister is on a roll. He’s addressing the issues that concern you. Someone in the pew in front of you is already on his feet, shouting down the praises from heaven. He’s shouting, the pastor is shouting, you’re excited.

Then the minister brings out a pack of sugar from nowhere starts kabashing and pours it all over the altar. He whips open another one, unleashes the sugar on the altar and now the altar is covered with sugar as the pastor keeps saying:

God will sweeten your life

You get a little confused, but more people are shouting now. He tells the congregation, whoever believes in the word of the lord and wants an instant encounter, should rush forward, pick a cube of sugar and drop N17,020 in its place.

The number, he says, represents the year 2017. You readjust in your seat and try to do the math. You’re still trying to do the math when a handful of people make their way to the altar, cash in hand, waiting for Gods goodies.

The pastor is re-energized. He goes on another round,

There are 22 people here, the lord is waiting for you to come forward.Come forward now, come forward now. The lord wants to make you a landlord. The lord wants everything in your life to be sweet. The good Lord wants to bless you!

The pastor tells the congregation that they can now come forward with N8,000. A few minutes later he’s down to N4,000. More people come forward and he goes down to N2,000. He begins to share short prayers with people who have come out, blessing them and reassuring them of the goody bag that’s waiting for them.

You readjust on your seat again and try to figure out when  you left church for a slow-mo reverse auction. You begin to wonder if anyone that dropped N17,020 may want to go and settle for to be land lord of a smaller house by exchanging it with N2,000. After all, landlords can charge anything.

Before you know it, the service is over. Everyone is all smiles and asking you how the service went. You say it’s glorious, but you’re deeply confused about what just happened. You make your way to the car, praying there’s light when you get home.

 

The end

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