I hope no one notices that my birthday is… If today is your birthday and you love your birthday then this post isn’t for you… Are we clear? Okay let’s continue…

Wait, How old am i?
Wow. That’s old, how did I grow that fast? Does it even mean anything?
Does anything mean anything?

Birthday is supposedly considered to be a very special day in your life since it is a celebration of the day you were born (which occurs only once every year) and for some reason that is considered to be an extremely good reason to celebrate.

The thing is, nowadays most people consider Birthday greetings more of a chore; it lost its true meaning. Not only did social media (I’m talking to you, Facebook) destroy the innocence of birthdays, but everyone also became too busy with the dynamic environment we’re living in to pay attention to something like birthdays.

You probably think I’m wrong and that birthdays still carry their jolly spirit in people’s hearts. But can you deny things aren’t as they use to be?

You are supposed to feel special and excited and have a blast and receive greeting and gifts from almost everyone you meet and most importantly have a special birthday party or dinner where you blow your candles and cut your special cake. RIGHT?

But the last 12 months of my life have been crazy. Actually, I can’t recall a month in my life that has not been crazy, but this last year has been over the top. I am not talking about having to do a marriage introduction and the Corona Virus pandemic.

I don’t hate many things at all because it’s so much more productive to embrace the world, but I do hate my birthday. 

I have never had a girlfriend or partner generally to celebrate with on my birthday. The one I had during one of my past birthday back in the day, forgot the next-day was my it and travelled home on the eve only to remember after she’s gotten home.

To be fair, I didn’t remember either. Birthdays aren’t really my thing (long story).

But It’s nice to have people who care about you. I appreciate the attention, I just don’t need it. More accurately, I don’t want it. At least not all day!

Every year when my birthday rolls around I cringe, knowing that it will be yet another day filled with disappointment. I don’t know precisely when this began, but I’m thinking it must have been around the birth of my first sibling.

First born birthdays definitely take a backseat to the sibling’s. In my case, I think it’s because by the time it’s my birthday I’m out of enthusiasm — but that doesn’t stop me from having high expectations.

Last year was the worst. I went through the entire day and no one outside of my family even said “happy birthday.” In fact, I don’t even think my dad remembered to call me. In the case of my friends, I realized it was because none of them had known me for very long — only four or five years — and how could they wish me a happy birthday if they didn’t even know when it was?

One of the early problems of my current relationship was how I didn’t remember our anniversaries. I still don’t, sometimes. But this time around, I get to celebrate both my birthday and anniversary on the same day! My partner’s insistence on acknowledging our anniversary monthly means that every April, 25th of every year I get a 2-in-1 packaged attention celebration. And I have an alarm that reminds me about this in her.

Maybe it’s become a mental Illness or something, I don’t know. I’m just trying every day to become a better me. Sometimes I’m proud of myself but majority of the time, I’m sad about a lot of things that I can’t control. I can’t help or manage it.

I’m afraid of many things, I’m afraid of time, I’m afraid of death. All I want is to live. I’m afraid of getting old. Time is just a social construct. If you calculate, we actually don’t celebrate our birthday at the exact moment. Not even the exact day. If you’re 20, you’re definitely celebrating your birthday 5 days misplaced. Don’t make me explain, you probably won’t understand the physics of revolution.

Sometimes things happen in life that forces me to reflect. Reflection isn’t always easy…. just like looking in the mirror and acknowledging the cumulative effects of years in shades of gray and crevices along once-porcelain skin, reflection sheds light on ingrained patterns that led to some of my darkest days.

My weakest moments have shown me that faith is hope, and love is the way.  Not romantic love.  Instead, the love that is friendship and genuine caring for others; the kind of love that prompts me to do something just to make someone else smile.  Because, when I can’t find the strength to smile myself, seeing someone else smile is enough.

Love is the guide.

This last year has shown me that when the passing idea to do something kind happens, don’t ignore it.  When the thought turns into an urge that keeps resurfacing, I should definitely do something.  With faith giving me strength and love as my guide, I’m ready to embrace the lessons that life has for me.

This post is just a reflection. Might not make sense to you, but this is currently my thought process right now. If you’re reading this, it means you survived this lengthy post. Thank you for not giving up!  I want to be better this year. And better is what I’ll be.

Happy fucking birthday to me! Cheers…